Volchok: The Motorcycle Diaries 113
by CocaineLoveFrenzy
Summary: it's been half a year since the car accident... Volchok, now a broken man has nothing else to live for. Volchok and Marissa fan fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist**

Kevin was stuck in a slump. On the run. He couldn't take it. He couldn't stop thinking about her. His guitar strap hung around his neck. The loop was loose and so was the knot, it made for a quicker tightening and once it tightened, he knew he couldn't get out of it. It was a safety precaution, to make sure he didn't chicken out at the last moment. Kevin smiled weakly, "safety precaution" he thought to himself. Why would anyone think about safety when preparing to take their own life? The irony.

Kevin saw alot of irony in the weeks leading up to this moment. The irony in trying to stop the girl he loved from running away, to save her from this miserable life, only to have been responsible for her death. "Forever..." it echoed in his mind, "How long do you think we'll last?"... Forever seemed like a bloody short time. He cried. His chest heaved, it hurt, it hurt so much. He felt hollow. He felt so empty. Kevin would torture himself every night, allowing the memories of her to flood his mind. He couldn't help it, he missed her so much. Nothing could ever stop this pain. He still had some of her clothing. They still carried her scent.

He was angry, so full of white rage. But no one saw it. He walked like a ghost who was in limbo. He cleaned the bars and collected the glasses silently, ignoring the drunken tourists. Whenever he caught a girl eyeing him, he'd look away. How could he ever look at another woman let alone love another person? Ryan came for him. but he didn't care. "Turn yourself in", they would say, but turning himself in was the easy way out. In prison, people do the punishing for you. This was his agony, his fight and if anyone was going to punish him, it would be himself.

From his position atop the stool, he could see his reflection in the mirror. A broken man with dark sunken eyes stared back at him, no sympathy, just sadness. 'Last words?' he thought to himself... There was nothing more to say. He pulled out the pair of handcuffs from his pocket. The hand cuffs he had nicked from a cop so many months ago. The same pair of handcuffs he used with her, during times when things were less complicated, when it was just them. He snapped them onto his left wrist, and brought his arm behind his back. He fiddled behind his back with his right hand and managed to snap them shut. there was nothing he could do to get out of this now.

Kevin Volchok awkwardly kicked the stool, it was heavier than he thought, he kicked it again, and started to cry. One last time, he heaved all his weight forward and for a fraction of a second he felt like he was floating.

They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die, but Kevin saw more than a flash. It was like an endless movie, the greatest film he'd ever seen. The story of his life, from his birth until death. Memories long forgotten came flooding back, he lived them like he was there. But memories can't be changed, and that night she died, played the same way.

"Stop the car!" he yelled. All he wanted to do was talk to her. And he knew why she didn't want to. She had told him a few nights before. She loved him so much. No one ever loved him the way she did. No one. All he had to do was look her in the eyes and anything he said she would do. It worked both ways. She may have needed some time out but love never dies. She couldn't talk to him because she knew the second that she did, she would fall back into his arms and they would go back to the blissful life they had together. Kevin recognised their mistakes now. He saw the balance of life, and he saw how they stood only at one end of the spectrum. Few people understood the love they had because few people ever allowed themselves to be so immersed in another individual.

Through dying eyes, he saw her yelling at Ryan to stop the car. She was scared. Through dying eyes he saw Ryan continue speeding up, and the white rage surged in him. Is that how she passed away? Scared? Kevin died twice that evening. Memories long forgotten returned...

Kevin saw the swing set infront of him, bright red poles with shiny steel chains. The park was large, it was clean, he was 7years old, and his Mom was sitting on the park bench talking to someone. He felt sad that day, his Grandfather had passed away a week before hand. Mom said that his Grandfather left them a very generous gift, because he loved them. They were moving near the park soon. The neighbourhood was so different to his home though, it was so clean, everything looked new, the name was stupid though. Orange County? he didn't see any oranges anywhere! Kevin didn't get it.

That swing set sure looks enticing though. He walked towards it, he couldn't wait to get on. But then a girl from no where just jumped on. Where did she come from? Kevin felt irritated. He wanted to get on that swing. He turned around to see where his Mom was, she looked busy, talking to that man. His Mom said that man could help turn grandfathers gift into something worth alot more.

The girl on the swing smiled brightly as Kevin walked up to her.

"Hi!" she said. Kevin cringed.

"I wanted to go on the swing first." he grumpily stated.

"No, I'm not done yet." the girl said. She kept swinging. Kevin didn't know what to say. he looked around the park. none of the other equipment looked as enticing. There was the see-saw but he was alone.

"I saw it first, I'm telling my Mom." kevin threatened. but the girl kept swinging, she was having too much fun, fun that he was supposed to be having.

"Where's your Mom?" she asked. Kevin turned and pointed to the park bench.

"She's talking to my daddy! There's a see-saw over there, do you want to play with me?" she asked. Kevin thought about it. He smiled.

"Okay." Kevin watched as the girl swiftly jumped off the moving swing and land on her feet. She ran to the see-saw, he chased after her.

"I'm Kevin, what's your name?" he asked.

"I'm Coop." she replied.

They rocked back and fourth smiling, giggling in the late afternoon sun. Kevin turned around and checked the park bench, his mother was gone, so was Coop's father. He turned to face his new friend but she was gone too, in her place an older girl sat there. The see-saw stopped moving. This part he didn't remember...

"Kevin, did you want to go for a walk?" She asked.

"Where's my Mom?" Kevin asked cautiously, he felt nervous. He stepped off the see-saw. The older girl walked towards him and offered her hand. He looked up into her eyes and felt, safe.

"I'm Marissa." she said. Kevin gave her his hand and she guided him to the footpath.

From where they were standing they could see the beach, and the sun slowly falling behind the horizon. Kevin watched in amazement at the beauty of it all. He looked up at Marissa, she smiled warmly at him.

"Are you an angel?" he asked. She had to be.

"No, I'm here to tell you, that when the sun finally disappears, and the all the light is gone, you have to wake up, okay Kevin?"

"But I like it here." Kevin said, he wrapped his arms around her more tightly, her fingers lovingly ruffling his hair. The light was quickly fading. Kevin held onto her tighter. Marissa knelt down, and cupped Kevins young face in her hands.

"I'm waiting for you okay? But I'm not here." She kissed his forrid, and hugged him tightly. Kevin could smell her scent, it smelled so familiar... the young Kevin began to cry as the water turned black, and all light disappeared. He tried to hold on tighter, but something was pulling her away, he lunged forward.

Kevin woke up, panting, his face was soaked in tears and the light was blinding. He gasped for air, everything was white.

"She's alive!", he whispered hoarsely.

"What?" a familiar voice echoed. His head ached.

"She's still alive!" Kevin whispered again, it took all his energy, suddenly a familiar face matched the voice he heard.

Seth Cohen gently put his hand on Kevin's chest, easing him back into the hospital bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Lost

The sheets were rough, they didn't feel comfortable. They're like the hospital version of McDonalds napkins, a poor substitute for the real thing. It had been 2 days since he first woke up. And his mind was still cloudy. He couldn't remember what had happened. Was Cohen here? He couldn't be sure, Kevin had been drifting in and out of deepsleep for the past 2 days, only reaching consciousness a few times. He tried to focus, focus on the moment he saw the light, the moment he woke up and was blinded by the white walls. Did he see Marissa? It felt like a lifetime had passed since he saw her. Kevin shifted his head and felt a searing pain in his neck.

"Woah, easy there. You've been out for while. It might hurt to move at first." Seth was sitting just out of sight from Kevins viewpoint.

"W-What happened?" Kevin asked, his head aching with every syllable.

:"You don't, like, remember?" Seth felt uncomfortable, he really didn't want to verbalise what he saw. it had already been repeating in his head everyday for the last month.

"Was I in a car accident?" Kevin was trying to focus on a single memory but nothing.

"You kinda went through a hard time and I guess it was too much for you man. You tried to kill yourself."

"No... I would've used a gun." Kevin knew it would've been logical for him to make it quick..

"I was there dude, I found you. nearly broke my shoulder trying to get your door open too. If i was any later..." Seth trailed off as his mind went through what could've been.

Then it started creeping up on him, slowly at first, just a familiar feeling of heart ache, a dull throbbing in his chest, a shortness of breath, and then the monster revealed itself. Volchok remembered why he had tried to end his miserable life. He had lost the very reason to live. Tears welled in his eyes as he turned to face Cohen, he forced a smile, but it was a look of painful acceptance.

"For a moment there, I thought Marissa was... okay."

Seth kept his eyes lowered.

"How long has it been since I- since you found me?"

"A month."

"You been watchin' my back?"

"Yeah."

"... I didn't ask you to..."

"Well idiots don't normally ask for help, thats why they make mistakes, and thats why the're idiots.

Kevin couldn't help but let out a painful chuckle.

"Kevin, I've got to get back to my hotel, I've got a meeting." Seth stood up.

"Where are we man?"

"New York City."

"How did we get..."

"The medical facilities in TJ weren't up to my standards, yours perhaps, but not mine." Seth smiled. it was good to see him talking again, it was good to see him do anything again, after the whole lifeless body hanging from the ceiling ordeal...

"I've got to go," Cohen put on his coat and started for the door. "I'll send in a Doctor for you on the way out, and by the way, you might want to try and get your strength back quickly,"

"Why?"

"I found Marissa."

(to be continued)


End file.
